Camelot's Gone Crazy  Merlin Drabbles
by GingerWholock
Summary: Exactly what the titles says. Random one-shots with no connection whatsoever. Except I wrote it and it's about Merlin.
1. Gwen Is Such A Mary Sue

_Lots of random Merlin drabbles. Kate can have some credit for the title, because she helped. Sort of. _

_Disclaimer: Merlin doesn't belong to me. *cries* But I want it so much!_

_Onwards with the story!_

Gwen looked down at the paper in front of her and bit her lip. She hastily grabbed a piece of parchment and quill, before writing the letter and delivering it to Camelot's resident journalist.

_Camelot Weekly_

_Hello, and welcome to Camelot Weekly's Agony Aunt Column! We have a first class team to give first class advice to all sorts of problems. Our team consists of Gaius, the Court Physician, Amelia, the psychiatrist and Ella, the love specialist._

_Dear Ella,_

_I work in the royal household and have recently started falling for a certain Prince. It's not like a crush, it's different, and I think he might feel the same way. I know nothing can happen, he is a Prince and I a mere servant, but I am so confused. What should I do?_

_From,_

_Confused in Love_

_Dear Confused in Love,_

_Oh, darling, you are such a Mary Sue. I know who this is, although I won't mention any names, the whole of Camelot knows. It's obvious; we've seen the way you two look at each other. When he becomes King, things will change, you two are destined to be together._

_Hope this helped,_

_Ella_

Uther threw the issue of Camelot Weekly down on his desk and laughed. The poor girl thought no one knew. It was obvious to everyone, including him. The term 'Mary Sue' confused him though. Was it someone they knew? He decided to go and ask Gaius, he'll know.

Uther knocked on the Court Physician's door and entered.

"Sire, what brings you here today?" Gaius asked.

"I need to ask you the meaning of a certain phrase," Uther looked embarrassed.

"Yes?"

"What does it mean when someone calls a woman a 'Mary Sue'?"

Gaius' expression changed from neutral, to shock, and then settled on amusement.

"It's a term regarding female characters in stories. The typical Mary Sue is when the new girl/the unpopular girl falls for the most popular boy," he explained, trying to stifle a laugh.

Uther look thoughtful, before saying,

"That Ella from the newspaper must be wrong. Of course the person who wrote the letter was Morgana, and she is not new of unpopular."

Gaius facepalmed. It was going to be a long day.

_So, how was it? Good? Bad? Terrible? Did you like Uther's confusion between Gwen and Morgana? I know! Why don't you review! I'll update soon. :) _


	2. Like a Ninja

_Hello, m'dears, it's time for another instalment of Camelot's Gone Crazy, or as Kate likes to call it, Merlin Drabbles. This chappy is actually dedicated to Kate, because she is my ninja twin. :)_

Arthur was not in a good mood. His day had started badly; Merlin woke him up late, when he _specifically_ told him to wake him up at the crack of dawn. This caused him to be late for the meeting with his father, which his father was not amused at, and decided to put him on patrol. In the middle of winter. He told Merlin to stay behind and do all his chores before he got back. Now Arthur was cold, wet, tired and hungry and just wanted to get back to his room.

Merlin was sitting on the floor polishing the Prince's armour, when the door slammed open. Jumping, Merlin accidentally threw the piece of armour in his hand towards the wardrobe. It bounced off the wardrobe door then flew in the other direction. Towards and very annoyed looking Prince.

As soon as Arthur walked through the door he heard a clatter and saw a flash of something metal flying towards him.

Merlin had to think. Fast. He picked up a silver tray that was conveniently placed next to him and threw it towards the path of the armour. With a clang, both pieces of metal dropped and settled down on the table. Merlin carefully looked at Arthur, hoping just to get a telling off. He did not want to go in the stocks in this weather.

Arthur's face had a look of wonder on it, which was not what Merlin expected. Arthur closed the door he had thrown open and turned back to look at Merlin. He said, in a voice that would make you worried about his mental health,

"Merlin, you're like a ninja!"

_Hope you liked it! Review? I know it's a fast update, but I just had to write it. I'm going to tease and tell you that the name of the next chappy is: Pigeons. Until next time! _


	3. Pigeons

_3 chapters in one day? I must be feeling kind! Well, this one is about pigeons. Why did I write about pigeons, you ask? Because I can._

The first thing Merlin saw when he walked into Arthur's room was a…._thing_….hanging off Arthur's wardrobe door. He was so shocked he almost dropped Arthur's breakfast.

"Arthur, what in the name of turtles in that?" Merlin half-yelled.

"It's a jacket, Merlin, even you should know that," Arthur replied prat-ishly.

Merlin looked over at the 'jacket' in question.

"What possessed you to buy that?"

"It was a gift from one of the neighbouring kingdoms. I have to wear it, Merlin, to be polite," Arthur finished his breakfast in record-breaking time and Merlin put the jacket on him.

"I just have to say, did they really think that…_yellow_…was the best colour for you? And the fur is a bit…girly," Merlin said, receiving a look of amusement from Prince Pratigan.

"Oh, and you would know a lot about girly outfits, wouldn't you _Mer_lin," Arthur accused.

"Ha. Ha. Gods, I think it moved!" Merlin looked at the 'jacket' suspiciously and jumped back.

"Stop being such a girl," Arthur walked out of his room and Merlin followed.

"At least I'm not wearing a girl's jacket," Merlin bit back.

The Prince walked outside, Merlin following, and hadn't got ten feet out the door before a fat pigeon swooped down. And dumped one. Right down the front of Arthur's new 'jacket'.

A look of horror appeared on the Prince's faces, and of amusement on Merlin's.

"You know, _Sire_, I honestly can't tell the difference."

_Opinions, people! Was it bad? I'll leave what Arthur's coat looks like to your imagination, since I didn't really describe it much._


	4. Dear Arthur

_Chapter 4! I'm just enjoying writing these drabbles so much, I can't stop! It's so different to the stuff I usually write. :) _

Dear Arthur,

I still haven't forgiven you for arresting Merlin. You didn't even say sorry. I mean, the accusation was correct, but false, and you should have fought for him more! If that was Gwen, you would have been all "Oh no! She's innocent, take my crown instead!"

If you were arrested, Merlin would help you escape. He'd probably go with you, because he's loyal like that. Don't tell me that you don't see it; he's always loyal to you. Because you're his friend. And friends break each other out of jail.

You better apologise in series four. If you don't, I will come inside the programme and make you. And when I say make you, I mean punch you in the face. Don't imagine I wouldn't. I have very boney knuckles, and it will hurt.

So, as you can tell, I am very much **not **amused. So you best get to it.

I'm not happy with you, but you're gorgeous, and I love you, so I'll let you off.

This time.

Don't let it happen again.

Yours truly,

AlwaysWatching96

aka

AlwaysWatching96

_How'd you like my little rant? You all agree, you just won't admit it._


	5. Merlin's Logic

_Warning: Chapter 5 may cause confusion, nausea, dizziness and brain damage. If any of these problems occur, AlwaysWatching96 is in no way responsible. That is all._

"A strange beast has been sighted in the forest," Uther announced as Arthur walked into the throne room, followed by Merlin.

"Do we know what type of beast?" Arthur asked.

"Gaius?" Uther beckoned for the Court Physician. Gaius stepped out of the shadows.

"According to what the witnesses are saying, I believe it to be a Nynub," Gaius said, a look of concern on his face. Merlin gasped.

"What is it, boy?" Uther asked, staring at Merlin coldly.

"Sorry, Sire, it's just a Nynub used to terrorise my old village," Merlin quickly went embarrassed.

"Well, how did you get it to stop?" questioned Uther.

"We made it a cake."

The whole room fell silent, even more silent than it was before. You could hear Uther's brain ticking. Arthur turned to his manservant.

"Cake?"

"Carrot cake," Merlin confirmed.

"How does this….help?" Gaius asked, even he was confused.

"Well, we give it cake, and then keep giving it cake, until it thinks we're it's friend. Then, when we gain it's trust, we put some tranquiliser in it's cake," Merlin concluded.

"Then what?" Uther demanded.

"I don't know, I was only six, they wouldn't let me see," Merlin looked guilty for not seeing what happened to the Nynub.

"Well, we don't have time for all the waiting. Go to the kitchen and asked for them to make a carrot cake. Gaius, you will then put the tranquilisers in it, and Arthur you will take some knights to the forest and lay a trap," Uther commanded.

"Yes Sire."

"Yes Father."

Gaius, Arthur and Merlin bowed slightly and left.

"Merlin, go down to the kitchen to get a….carrot cake….then meet me outside," Arthur said as soon as they were out of the throne room. "And hurry." Merlin nodded and ran in the direction to the kitchen. Arthur and Gaius went their separate ways to prepare for the Great Nynub Trap.

Less than an hour later, Merlin and Arthur had met up outside, along with about seven knights. Merlin was holding a white cake box.

"Is the tranquiliser in the cake?" Arthur asked. Some of the people passing through the courtyard looked at the group oddly, but ignored it and carried on with their jobs.

Merlin nodded, "Yup."

And so the group set off, with only one thing in mind. What was this Nynub like? Would the trap work? The knights set off with something completely different in mind. Why was there cake? Would they be getting some?

The team arrived at a small clearing in the woods where the trap would be set. They placed the cake in the middle and the knights hid around the outside in the bushes, leaving large gaps in between so the Nynub could come in the clearing without trouble.

"So, how to we lure it here?" Arthur asked.

"Simple," Merlin said. Arthur turned to look at him, eyebrow raised.

"We talk very loudly about how good the carrot cake is!" Merlin exclaimed, as if it was obvious.

"…Really? Do I have to?" Arthur complained.

"Yes. You do have to. Because if you don't, the Nynub will continue to-….."

"Yes, Merlin, I get the picture," Arthur cut Merlin off mid-sentence. Arthur took a deep breath.

"You know, Merlin, that carrot cake looks delicious," Arthur said loudly, giving the other boy a look that said 'you better try and look stupider than me'.

"I agree, Arthur," Merlin looked amused, "I would be surprised if no one just came along and ate it all up." A sudden noise came from just outside the clearing. Arthur gave Merlin the signal to follow him and backed towards the shadows.

A nose came out of the shadows, followed by the body of the beast. The Nynub was huge, at least ten feet tall when it reared up on it's hind legs and roared. Everything about it was fearsome; it's white fur with brown patches, it's cotton-like tail and those ears. Those long, floppy ears. They were terrifying.

_So? I know! Review!...Please? So, next chappy will be up soon, and thankyou to MacSmurf for reading through it and helping. :)_


	6. The Neckerchief Song

_The Neckerchief Song, only Merlin knows the tune, and it's a mixture of many different songs. See if you can guess them! (Go on, I challenge you). Also, each song spoof thing is a separate verse/paragraph. Have fun! :)_

It was the next day, and the Nynub had been captured and there were helpings of rabbit stew all round, even though each of these one-shots are supposed to have nothing to do with each other. Arthur was writing out some reports for his father when he first heard it. Someone was singing, and that person was a certain manservant doing his chores. He couldn't make out what song it was, so he decided to listen while writing the reports. The song wasn't even a real song, it kept changing tunes and lyrics. It was quite catchy for some parts.

"This is the way you left me,

I'm not pretending,

No warmth around my neck,

The heat is ending,

Is this the way I must live?

Without my neck warm?

And live the rest of our lives,

But not together?"

"It's the N to the E, C, K, the E the R chief,

And no one wears it better than a boy like me.

My neckerchi-ef,

It's better than your normal scarf!

My neckerchi-ef."

"What's that coming over the hill?

Is it a hankie? Is it a hankie?

What's that coming over the hill?

No it's a necker, a neckerchi-ef!"

"It's so lovely!

It's so lovely!

It's so lovely!

It's pretty, a fitty,

It's got a hole in it and that's a pity,

It's….thirty, not thirteen,

The kind of accessory that gets dirty.

I don't know,

I don't know,

I don't know,

Why I've never worn you before,

I don't know,

I don't know,

I don't know."

"I want to wear my neck-er-chief,

I want to warm my neck,

I want to wear my neck-er-chief,

I want to where it without grief."

"It could be brown, it could be blue,

It could be violet sky,

It couldn't be hurtful but it could purple,

It could be anything you like.

It could be green, could never be mean,

It could everything more,

Why wouldn't you like it?

If you don't like it,

Why don't you walk out the door!"

"If something breaks,

On your neckerchief,

Who you gonna call?

The Repair Shop!"

"You're simply the best, better than all the rest,

Better than any scarf, any scarf I've ever met.

I'm stuck on your heart, you hang around my neck,

Tear you apart, baby I would rather be dead."

"It'll help,

It'll heeeelp,

If you just sing along,

Oh yeah!"

Merlin gave the grand finale, using the mop as a microphone. Arthur cleared his throat and Merlin looked up like a startled goat, before burning red.

"Those weren't real songs," Arthur accused. Merlin looked at him oddly.

"They're spoofs, Arthur, get with the times."

_There you go! I'll give you the answers in the next chappy, so have a go, write what you think (even if some are completely obvious), and you may as well review while you're there. Also, thanks to Kitty O for letting me use the rabbit stew thing, and to MacSmurf for helping me with some of the spoofs. Adios!_


	7. No, father, that is a cat

_Okay, answers to the Neckerchief Song:_

_Mika - Happy Ending_

_Fergie - Fergalicious_

_The Automatic – Monster_

_Scouting for Girls – She's so lovely_

_Queen – Bicycle Races_

_Mika – Grace Kelly_

_Ray Parker Jr – Ghostbusters_

_Tina Turner – Simply the best_

_Spongebob Squarepants – The campfire song song_

_There you go!_

Uther was walking around aimlessly, he loved Camelot, it was so…pretty. The King turned around and walked towards the castle gardens, to look at the roses. He sat down on a bench opposite the flower beds, when he spotted something out of the corner of his eye. He turned to look at it and spotted….a beast! It was furry, and was hissing viciously.

"Arthur!" Uther ran inside to get his son. He found him walking down one of the many halls towards the courtyard.

"Arthur!" he exclaimed.

"Yes father?" Arthur replied.

"I've spotted an evil creature," Uther explained.

"Where?"

"In the flower beds."

Arthur got the attention of some of the knights who were conveniently walking past and had heard the conversation and told them to follow him. They ran towards the garden, Uther following them.

"There! There it is!" Uther pointed to the small furry beast, whose back was arched at the sudden appearance of so many people.

Arthur told the knights to lower their weapons.

"No, father, that is a cat."

"Oh…..it's an evil cat!"

_I know, it was short, but I liked the idea and there wasn't much else I could write. Was it terrible? Let me know! _


	8. A Bucket of Poo

_Hey! So, chapter 8, this is the longest 'story' I've ever wrote (besides my book, but that doesn't count, it's not on fanfiction). Yes, I have written a book (it WILL be published, I tell you, it's all a case of when :D)._

Merlin walked out of his room one morning and was hit by a disgusting smell.

"What the hell is _that_?" he exclaimed. Gaius looked up from something he was examining.

"It's poo," he stated. Merlin stared at him, before looking at the source of the pong. A wooden bucket was sitting on the bench, filled with faeces.

"_Why_ do you have a _bucket of poo _sitting on the table?" Merlin asked, wondering if he would regret it.

"One of my patients have been having some stomach pains, I need to check if they have worms or not," Gaius said, matter-of-factly.

"Ok….do they?" Merlin asked, a plan forming in his mind.

"No, their poo is perfectly healthy, I just haven't gotten round to getting rid of it yet."

"I could dump it somewhere for you before I start work," Merlin offered. Gaius looked at him suspiciously, before nodding and saying,

"Be sure to dump it far away, in a field, so the smell doesn't come back to haunt us."

Merlin picked up the bucket and left. _I am going to dump it somewhere,_ he thought, _and I'm going to have fun doing so._

Merlin almost ran to the Princes chambers, and surprisingly not running in to Gwen on the way. He ran and shut the door behind him, he knew the Prince had an early meeting with the King and had already left, completely untrusting in Merlin's ability to wake up in the morning. Merlin was not a morning person, and if you take the covers off him, he will kill you, and you will die.

Merlin set up the trap with the amount of skill in him that was only shown when he done magic (not that His Royal Pratness would know that). All those years being a troublesome child with Will had finally paid off. After this, Merlin escaped to along the corridor and around the corner. Arthur should be back soon.

Arthur practically skipped down the corridor. The meeting had gone great, and nothing could ruin it. Or so he thought. He turned towards his chambers and opened the door. Before he knew it….

…_SPLAT!_

Arthur stopped and removed the bucket from his head, wiping the…._gods_, was that…..

….._Poo?_

Almost immediately Arthur knew who was behind this.

"MERLIN!"

The boy in question came round the corner, barely containing his giggles.

"Yes sire?" he asked.

"Do you know what is going on here?" Arthur demanded.

"No sire, but I don't think poo is a very hygienic moisturiser, do you?" At this point Merlin was just outright laughing.

"Merlin. I am going to KILL YOU!"

Outside, in the courtyard, bemused onlookers saw an **extremely** angry Prince chasing an **extremely **terrified manservant. Just another day in paradise.

_I just had to do something with poo. I mean, imagine all you could do with a bucket of poo…..review? It's fuuun! _


	9. Drunken Royals

_Guys! This is important! This is the second last chapter, as in the next chapter is the last. I know, but it's going out with a song and a dance, and I'm sure you'll enjoy it! But, until then, enjoy this chappy, I just thought I would warn you. Ok, so onwards, and enjoy!_

Medieval banquets. _Royal _medieval banquets. The only time royals get absolutely mortal.

Merlin was busy running around like a headless chicken, he had to do his usual chores _and _help prepare for the banquet. Apparently some big King man was coming round for a visit, and Uther wanted everything to be 'fabulous'. He must be important.

"Hurry up, _Mer_lin, I don't want to be late," Arthur commanded. Merlin glared at him.

"Yes _sire_." He helped Arthur into his jacket and stepped back.

"Well?" Arthur said, walking out of the door, "Come on then! I need _someone _to refill my drinks." Arthur smiled. "I plan on getting _very _drunk."

"Welcome!" Uther announced. "I hope you have a nice visit, now enjoy the food and driiiiiiiink!" Uther had already drained a tanker of wine. It was going to be an interesting night.

Arthur waved for Merlin to refill his drink. For the 100th time.

"There's no more wine left, sire," Merlin said.

"Then let's start on the **MEAD**!" Arthur shouted, causing cheers and Mexican waves all round.

Merlin made sure he got to Arthur's chambers on time the next morning. **This **was going to be interesting. He walked in and pulled open the curtains.

"Rise and shine!" he yelled. Arthur jumped up and held his head.

"Ow." Arthur groaned. "Double ow."

"Oh, do you have a headache? Maybe it's something to do with the dancing on the tables, the throwing up on someone and getting punched, mixing drinks, trying to ride a bike over the tables, snogging Gwen, doing an Irish jig to 'impress the ladies', strip, climbing trees and putting on your crown saying "I am the Prince of Camelot and I order you to buy me a puppy". Or it might have had something to do with the alcohol."

Arthur groaned.

Merlin laughed.

It was going to be an interesting day.

_So? Ok, last chapter will take a while to be written, so stay tune, folks! (Yes, I did just quote loony tunes.)_


	10. The AllSinging AllDancing Finale

_Final Chapter! I'm so sad to be finishing :'(. But I'm not going anywhere yet! (And I'll still be here when I'm finished). But first, this is going out an all singing, all dancing, completely bonkers, slightly 'fabulous' (Uther's favourite word) and very long bang! A bit like this: __**BAAAANG! **__ See that? Like it? Does it come up properly on fanfiction? Who cares! Onwards to the finale!_

_Also, I'm trying to make it a spoof of everything I know, so be warned!_

"Wake up Merlin!" Merlin woke with a start to see his mentor standing in front of him with a massive smile plastered on his face.

"Gaius?"

"You're late! You're late! For a very important date!" Gaius sang. Only then did Merlin take in his appearance. He was wearing rabbit ears on his head, a waistcoat and was holding an open pocket watch.

"Wait…Gaius…what?"

"You're late!" And with that, he hopped out of the door. Yes. _Hopped_.

Merlin stared at his door that his mentor just left through, before slapping himself in the face.

"Ow…not dreaming then," he murmured.

Suddenly, something flew past his window. And cackled. Merlin jumped up and ran to the window.

"Mhuahahahaha!" Morgana yelled, flying around on a broomstick, wearing a pointy hat and….._why was she green? _

"O_kaaay_," Merlin slapped himself again.

"Still not dreaming."

Confused, the young warlock decided to ask Arthur if he knew what was going on. On the way to Arthur's chambers, he ran into Gwen.

"Oh, hello Gwen," Merlin said, confusion and distraction clearly visible on his face.

"Oh, blue eyes, blue eyes. What's the matter, matter? Blue eyes, blue eyes," she sang.

Merlin ran. He reached Arthur's chambers to find that he wasn't there. He heard a noise coming from the throne room, which was conveniently placed near Arthur's room. Merlin followed the noise and opened the throne room doors tentatively. What he saw inside was a sight to behold.

Uther was standing in front of two other men, both part of the high court, all three dressed in black leotards.

"All the single ladies, all the single ladies,

All the single ladies, all the single ladies,

All the single ladies, all the single ladies,

All the single ladies  
Now put your hands up 

Whoa-oa-oa!  
Oh oh oh oh oh-oh  
Oh oh -err  
Whoa-oa-oa!  
Oh oh oh oh oh-oh  
Oh oh oh  
Whoa-oa-oa!

Cause you like it,  
Then you shoulda put a ring on it,  
If you like it then,  
You shoulda put a ring on it,  
Don't be mad once you see that he want it,  
If you like it,  
Then you shoulda put a ring on it.

Whoa-oa-oa!  
If you like it  
Then you shoulda put a ring on it  
If you like it then  
You shoulda put a ring on it  
Don't be mad once you see that he want it  
If you like it  
Then you shoulda put a ring on it  
Whoa-oa-oa!"

Uther and the other two finished the song.

"Ok, now that has finished, I shall get changed. We have an execution to attend!" Uther strutted into a different room. Merlin just stood there, before backing out slowly. He then realised that there was going to be an execution, so he ran outside.

Merlin got outside just as they were lighting the stake. He noticed that the crowd was organised in precise rows. Just as the flames started licking the wood, the prisoner belted out,

"**I'm on fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiire!"**

The crowd joined in, in the background. "I'm going, you tell me, I feel it, I say it, I'm heading back into the tunnel for my soul to burn." They were all dancing with complete synchronisation.

"**And I'm on fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiire!"**

"I'm coming, you coming, no hiding, my feeling I wanna take it to the highest over me, yeah."

It would have gone on, but the prisoner died. Everyone dispersed as if nothing had happened.

By this time, Merlin was thoroughly confused. _Was it a song day or something? What was going on? _Merlin decided it was definitely time to find Arthur. He wandered to the lower town, where he heard a commotion occurring.

"What the….?" He walked to an open area, only to see Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table standing in a group.

"_We're Knights of the Round Table,  
We dance when ere we're able,  
We do routines and chorus scenes,  
With footwork impeccable.  
We dine well here in Camelot,  
We eat ham and jam and spam a lot.  
We're Knights of the Round Table,  
Our shows are formidable,_

_But many times, we're given rhymes,  
That are quite unsingable.  
We're Opera mad in Camelot,  
We sing from the diaphragma looooooot.  
In war we're tough and able,  
Quite indefatigable,  
Between our quests we sequin vests,  
And impersonate Clark Gable.  
It's a busy life in Camelot,  
I have to push the __**pram a lot.**__"_

Arthur belted out the last words, and earned a round of applause. Merlin walked over to the Prince.

"Arthur, why were you singing about ham and jam and…_spam_?"

"It's Monty Python, _Mer_lin, get with the times," Arthur said, mirroring Merlin's words from a past chapter, even though it isn't connected and they shouldn't remember it.

"Whatever. Do you know what's going on? It's like Camelot's gone crazy!"

"I'm not sure what you mean, but I see what you mean. You're obviously not used to Camelot, you little country bumpkin," Arthur knocked his fist on Merlin's head. Merlin growled. Arthur glared back, but his face lit up.

"Ooh, Percy's doing a solo!" Everyone turned to Sir Percival, also known as Camp Percy, took stage with some backing singers.

"Here we go again…." Merlin muttered.

"_Hi (hi)  
We're your Weather Girls (uh-huh)  
And have we got news for you (you better listen)  
Get ready all you lonely girls  
And leave those umbrellas at home (alright)_

Humidity is risin' (uh, risin')  
Barometer's gettin' low (how low girl), uh-oh  
According to all sources (what sources now)  
The street's the place to go (we better hurry up)

'Cause tonight for the first time (first time)  
Just about half past 10 (half past 10)  
For the first time in history  
It's gonna start raining men (start raining men)

It's raining men, hallelujah  
It's raining men, amen  
I'm gonna go out, I'm gonna let myself get  
Absolutely soaking wet

It's raining men, hallelujah  
It's raining men, every specimen  
Tall, blond, dark and lean  
Rough and tough and strong and mean

God bless mother nature, she's a single woman too  
She took on the heavens, and she did what she had to do  
She fought every angel, she rearranged the sky  
So that each and every woman, could find the perfect guy

Humidity is risin'  
Barometer's gettin' low  
According to all sources  
The street's the place to go

'Cause tonight for the first time (first time)  
Just about half past 10 (half past 10)  
For the first time in history  
It's gonna start raining men (start raining men)

It's raining men, hallelujah  
It's raining men, amen  
It's raining men, hallelujah  
It's raining men, amen

It's raining men, hallelujah  
It's raining men, amen  
It's raining men, hallelujah

_It's raining men, amen_

It's raining men, hallelujah  
It's raining men, amen  
It's raining men, hallelujah  
It's raining men, amen."

Everyone clapped, including Merlin, who stood there gormless.

"Ok, people, I just want to remind you that it's karaoke night at Camp Percy tonight!" Sir Percival announced.

"Camp Percy?" Merlin asked Arthur.

"Are you kidding? Camp Percy is the hottest tavern in the kingdom!" Arthur exclaimed. Merlin stood and looked at him, before walking away towards the castle.

As he returned, he saw that the stake had been cleared away, and that Gaius was no longer a rabbit. Instead, he was kneeling over a man who seemed to be in distress. Merlin noticed that Arthur had followed him back and they both walked towards the physician.

"Gaius?" Merlin asked, tentatively.

"Yes Merlin?" Gaius replied. He seemed normal enough. Thankfully, Arthur interrupted.

"What's going on here?" He asked. Merlin answered before Gaius had a chance.

"Anatidaephobia, I'm guessing."

"What?"

Gaius answered this time, nodding in approval at Merlin, "The fear that a duck is watching you."

An awkward silence fell upon the group.

"Ducks?" Arthur asked, disbelieving.

"Yes. Ducks. They can be scary. A duck bit me once….," Merlin said.

"You got bit by a duck? Do ducks even have teeth?" Arthur continued to be disbelieving.

"I….don't know," Merlin turned to ask Gaius, but he had left.

"Woah! When did he leave?" Merlin yelled.

A strange crackling sound filled the air, before a flash of light blinded everyone around it. As it died down, Morgana and Morgause appeared. Everyone gasped.

Arthur drew his sword. "What business do you have in Camelot, evil hags?"

"We have business alright, business of the evil kind!" Morgause replied. The two 'evil hags' cackled.

"You are not welcome here!"

"Oh, please," Morgana said, laughing, "Come to the dark side, Arthur. We have cookies."

Arthur appeared to seriously consider this option before saying,

"Hell no! I will not eat cookies cooked from the fires of hell!"

"We have to go now, the oven timer has just gone off, but be warned citizens of Camelot, we shall return!" Morgana and Morgause shouted, and then disappeared as quickly as they came.

Quite literally moments later, a meeting had gathered in the big hall place that I can't remember the name of. It is now called the…Pendragon Headquarters. Back at HQ, they were discussing what to do.

"We could always just kill them?" Uther suggested. It had been hours since the visit of the hags.

"Oh hell no!" The doors of HQ burst open, and Morgause stormed in. She had her hair backcombed, was wearing a very short cut skirt ("I have belts longer than that skirt," Gwen whispered), a belly top and was carrying a glass bottle of ale.

"The killing don't start 'til I walk in!" She threw her hands in the air, and stepped up on the tables, swaying drunkenly.

"What the devils?" Uther exclaimed.

"We gave you the chance, Arthur Pendragon," Morgause leaned forward to Uther.

"Erm, I'm Uther, that's Arthur," Uther quickly pointed to his right.

"Thanks, Father. Love you too."

Morgause coughed. "Ahem, as I was saying, we gave you the chance to."

Merlin cut her off. "Oh shut up, you slag. You said we, idiot, Morgana isn't even here!"

The whole headquarters turned to look at the manservant.

"Merlin!" Arthur yelped. Yes. Yelped.

"What?"

"Yes! Morgana is not here, but someone else is!" Morgause removed her hair.

"I knew it!" Uther yelled accusingly, before becoming dead silent as Morgause turned around. On the back of her head was a face. A face without a nose, and red eyes.

"That is one badass tattoo!" Merlin exclaimed.

"Merlin!" Arthur repeated.

"What?"

The head on the back of Morgause's head started ranting on how he was 'Lord Voldemort' and how he wanted to 'rule the world'. It was such a boring speech, that Merlin zoned out, and didn't zone back in again until he heard his name mentioned.

He danced over to where everyone else had moved to.

"Did someone say, Merlin Emrys?" he asked, because the author is completely obsessed with _A Very Potter Musical/Sequel _at the moment. But that's not relevant.

"_Meeeeerrrrrrrlllliiiiiinnnnnn,_" A strange voice called.

"Who said that?" People looked at him weirdly.

"_Merlin!_" It called again.

"Can no one else hear that?" The bemused secret-warlock yelled.

"No one has said anything!" Arthur yelled back.

"_Meeerlin._"

"That's it! Will you stop screaming inside of my head!" Merlin fell to the floor and clamped his hands over his ears.

"Um….Gaius?" Arthur gestured for the court physician to take away his ward.

"Yes, erm, yes, Merlin!" Gaius guided his ward out of the room. Merlin didn't want to leave.

"No! Wait! Kill the random woman on the table while she's distracted, you giant pile of dumbass!" Merlin yelled. Arthur snapped into action, grabbing his sword and beheading the strange hag on the table. With this, a loud cheer erupted, and a beardy fellow walked into the room and shouted,

"Ten points to Gryffindor!" Then he disapperated away.

"Random," Arthur stated.

But alas, it was not over yet. Morgause still had a sister to avenge her beheaded-ness. She arrived on a broom, flying as a witchy hag woman should, but Uther did not notice.

"Ah, Morgana, there you are! Why are you flying? And green? Morgana…..are you evil?" the King asked.

"….Nooo…." she replied, looking shifty.

"Don't listen to her, father; she's trying to mess with your mind!" Arthur shouted.

"Yes, don't listen to me, _father_, I'm evil I tell you! Evil! Mhuahahahaha!" Morgana laughed evilly. Uther looked shocked, but then grabbed a random dagger conveniently placed on the table next to him and stabbed his daughter multiple times. Then once in the neck, just to be sure.

The evil cow dropped down dead. Uther gasped and dropped the dagger, guilt stricken. He then looked a bit loopy and held out his hands in front of him, before delving into a monologue.

"Is this a dagger which I see before me,  
The handle toward my hand? Come, let me clutch thee.  
I have thee not, and yet I see thee still.  
Art thou not, fatal vision, sensible  
To feeling as to sight? Or art thou but  
A dagger of the mind, a false creation,  
Proceeding from the heat-oppressed brain?"

Uther fainted dramatically, and got carted off in a stretcher by some guards.

Outside, a crowd had gathered to celebrate the downfall of the evil hag-ish (not haggis) witches. Merlin, Arthur, Gwen and everyone else who was in the court had came outside and joined them. They all stood in lines and look randomly happy.

Suddenly, they all broke out into song.

(AN: _Merlin _**Arthur **both figure it out :D)

**"So no one told you life was gonna be this way,  
Your jobs a joke, you're broke, your love life's D.O.A."**

"_Because you killed mine!"_  
**"It's like you're always stuck in second gear,  
And it hasn't been your day, your week, your month,  
or even your year,  
but…"**

"I'll be there for you  
When the rain starts to pour  
I'll be there for you  
Like I've been there before  
I'll be there for you  
'Cause you're there for me too..."

_"You're still in bed at ten,  
And work began at eight,  
You've burned your breakfast,  
So far... things are goin' great!"_

"**I'm not that bad!"**_  
Your mother warned you there'd be days like these."_

"**She's dead you idiot."**_  
"Oh but she didn't tell you when the world has brought,  
You down to your knees that…"_

"I'll be there for you  
When the rain starts to pour  
I'll be there for you  
Like I've been there before  
I'll be there for you  
'Cause you're there for me too..."

"_No one could ever know me  
No one could ever see me  
Seems you're the only one who knows  
What it's like to be me_  
_Someone to face the day with  
Make it through all the rest with  
Someone I'll always laugh with  
Even at my worst I'm best with you, yeah"_  
**"It's like you're always stuck in second gear  
And it hasn't been your day, your week, your month,  
or even your year..."**

"I'll be there for you  
When the rain starts to pour  
I'll be there for you  
Like I've been there before  
I'll be there for you  
'Cause you're there for me too..."

_"I'll be there for you"_  
**"I'll be there for you"**  
"I'll be there for you  
'Cause you're there for me too…"

Merlin and Arthur cringed slightly at the sort of cheesey-ness of the situation, but smiled at their totally epic friendship.

At that exact moment, Uther and Gaius walked outside, and paused at the ridiculous sight. It seems that Gaius was the first to regain the ability to talk.

"I don't be-lieve it!"

_Ok, that's it, no more. The end. I'll see you guys in other fanfiction in which I or you have wrote (if that makes any sense whatsoever). Extra points if you can guess which spoof is which. Also, thank mushroom that Richard Wilson played Gaius!_

_I know it's pretty bad, but I hoped you enjoyed it! I'm learning, really, I am! But the most important thing here is, I had fun. I don't really care if you did or not. :D_

_Adios, people!_


End file.
